Meaning As Medicine
The secret recipe to meaningful gatherings
It’s a tough moment for many of us. There’s deep grief in the world right now and in our own beloved communities. Our time — both individual and collective — is especially precious right now, and intentionality is top of mind for hosts and guests. I have written in the past about the importance of protecting your time during periods of turbulence and uncertainty, and I’ll certainly be sending some “connected no” RSVPs over the next few weeks. As we enter a season of end-of-year festivities, I invite you to reflect on the gatherings that have nourished you, and which you feel grateful to have attended. Why do we experience some gatherings as a balm, whereas others feel procedural?
Meaning is relative, subjective, and co-created. And, at our gatherings, meaning lies in the specific, not the generic. Hosts often feel responsible for — or even anxious about — baking meaning into their gatherings. The knee-jerk impulse is to get all the “stuff” right — decorations and food and what have you. But there are a few simple ways to turn up the Meaning Dial.
Let’s dive into how you, as an artful gatherer, can build your skills as a meaning-maker this season.
5 Ways to Design Your Next Gathering for Meaning
1) Let guests build the soundtrack of the moment.
Last Thanksgiving was Amanda’s first without her grandmother. Her mother was hosting their extended family, who were still rattled from the loss. Amanda asked her mother what feeling she wanted to elicit at the dinner. Her mother replied, “comfort and happiness.” Amanda then reached out to all of the guests asking them to send a few songs that brought them comfort and happiness, which she used to make a playlist for the Thanksgiving dinner. It was a subtle, gentle form of invitation at a tender moment. Throughout the evening, the guests called out “that’s my song!” and shared why they chose the tracks they did, talked about concerts they’d attended, and even sang along with songs they had in common with her grandmother. “It was just the right level of summoning for what we needed,” she later told me.
Meaning move: She served music as medicine. By creating and then playing the crowdsourced playlist, Amanda created a shared web that gave people just the right amount of choice about whether to say more when they heard their song.
2) Weave your guests into a shared context. (It can be invented.)
Max got news of a fun, unexpected boon: a client at the ad agency where he worked had sent his boss a magnum bottle of champagne from the year 2004. His boss didn’t drink, so he gave the bottle to Max. And Max wanted to have a little party to share the love with his eight nearest and dearest. The price of entry? A story from your life from the year 2004.
Meaning move: Max turned up the Meaning Dial by choosing the year of the bottle (as opposed to the fancy grapes or some specialized knowledge) to create a shared, accessible vector for people to connect to and a night of (quite hilarious) stories. The champagne became the vessel for connection, not the point of the gathering. Gathering Mistake #3: Leaving the guests to fend for themselves.
3) Bring an old, beloved tradition to a new group.
When a friend of mine was in college, her roommate (whose last name was Biderman) created a day devoted to making “Biderman squares” — the pumpkin-cream-cheese dessert bars her family had been making since she was a kid. It caught on and “Pumpkin Day” was born — a potluck where everyone brought a friend and something pumpkin. There were pumpkin martinis, savory pumpkin galettes, pumpkin mac n’ cheese, and Biderman squares of course. The more creative, the better.
Over the years, the group shifted from dorm rooms to shared apartments to separate new cities, inviting their post-college friends, neighbors, and local communities to celebrate their invented holiday. What started as a simple, common (low-stakes) mission for a core group of friends has continued to live on as a light-hearted staple to bring together new friends and connect with cherished old ones in the midst of a hectic season.
Meaning move: Use the old tradition to start a new tradition with a different group of people by telling the story of its origins and why it’s still relevant to you today.
4) Tell people why you love them.
There’s a trend online of brides presenting “will you be my bridesmaid?” gift boxes to their friends. (Think: mini bottles of bubbly, fancy gummy bears, “bridesmaid” crowns and sashes.) Inspired by the idea, Chelsea’s friend wrote long messages in cards to each of her bridesmaids — explaining to each why she valued their friendship — and took each bridesmaid out to dinner individually. Chelsea was moved. The bride’s words were authentic and captured for her, too, the essence of their friendship.
Meaning move: This bride moved from just the symbolism of asking her friend to be part of her Big Day, to having that moment of invitation be a micro-renewal of their shared friendship.
5) In gift-giving situations, shift the focus from object to story.
At their reunion, Nick’s family hosted a white elephant where instead of purchasing new gifts, they contributed family heirlooms they received from deceased relatives, to recirculate them. In presenting them, they talked about what each heirloom was and why it mattered to the person who first passed it down.
Meaning move: This family tapped into the objects they already hold and invited a re-circulation into the family (and a re-telling of stories), which builds the identity of the collective group.
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Whatever gathering you may be planning – whether an end-of-year party or a simple birthday celebration – I invite you to think about how to design it so people leave feeling like they’ve had some gentle, collective medicine.
As ever,
Priya
ICYMI
I often come back to my conversation with Patrick O'Shaughnessy on his podcast Invest Like the Best. We discussed how I designed the launch of Sustained Dialogue almost 20 (!) years ago, how to complicate individuals rather than make us all the same, and an act of kindness someone showed me that I hadn't thought about for years. Listen here.
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How Muslim and Jewish faith groups are coming together during Israel-Hamas war
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One of my very favorite organizations, The Dinner Party, which creates community for twenty-somethings in grief, has put out a helpful new guide on repair.
