One Effective Shift to Ease Your Hosting Anxiety
Find your lighthouses.
Guests can be hosts, too
No matter the event, it can be daunting to host. It’s easy to slip into this dynamic of performing for our friends or colleagues, entertaining them, pleasing them. Whether you’re a senior manager designing an offsite, a couple planning a wedding, or an alumnus throwing a party, there’s a simple way to shift the dynamic and lessen the burden of hosting: share it.
People have always found collective ways to share the financial and logistical burden of hosting. (The potluck is an entire gathering structure invented to do just that.) Beyond asking people to bring a bottle of wine or an extra tomato, you can turn some of your guests into spiritual sub-hosts by giving them a small role.
Ask (the right) guests to play a role.
I was once coaching an organization on a complicated internal retreat they were hosting. Three partners from a group of 150 had been tapped to organize a two-day bonding event for their peers. As the retreat approached, I asked the hosts what they were most concerned about. One of them said: “I’m not worried about the newest and youngest colleagues enjoying it, they’re just happy to be here. I’m worried about the partners who could’ve planned this instead of us, and whether or not they’re going to be game.”
The host had realized something important: there was a subgroup of 20 highly-talented guests who needed something to do (and could also be the easiest critics).
His worry had merit. I suggested they host a pre-call with those more seasoned partners. On it, we shared the plan of the two days and asked if they would play a “special connective-tissue role” in the gathering, shine light on some of the newer folks, and keep an eye out for folks who might feel intimidated or less comfortable. We asked them to be our Lighthouses. Not only did the partners agree, they became the heart and soul of the retreat. All of a sudden, 23 people were committed to its success, not just three.
Turn that role into a (temporary) identity.
In social gatherings, hosts can also carry too much weight (in part because we want people to relax and have fun.) But guess what? These roles can actually be fun, playful, and deeply simple. It could be, as my friend Nora Abousteit does, that you assign a “Water Minister” and a “Wine Minister” to be in charge of refilling glasses and making sure everyone has enough to drink. It could be, as I once did at a party, asking a few friends to be Chief Distributors of Sparkle and apply crystal-like stickers to guests who want some extra shimmer. It could literally be assigning a Liege of Peppermint Patties or an Officer of Second Helpings or the Deacon of Coats. (Can you tell that I’m now at the making-things-up phase of this newsletter?)
The move is from sharing the weight of logistics to sharing the creation of warmth and connection. This shift is really about giving some guests (just a few and the right ones) a role that gives them the permission and cover to be pro-social.
In my experience, more often than not, people rise to the occasion. And they stop worrying about whether the party is “good enough.” Instead, they start wanting to make it as good as it can be.
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I believe with the right tools, anyone has the ability to gather well. Use this guide as a reference to transform your next party, meeting, or event. Through reflections and prompts, you'll begin to rethink the traditional ways we come together and understand how to infuse meaning and connection when planning for any occasion.
In Case You Missed It
Design Matters with Debbie Millman
When my book, The Art of Gathering, came out in May 2018 — and the world was a different place — one of the very first podcast hosts to invite me to join them was Debbie Millman. She’s an extraordinary listener and an iconic designer, and also hosts one of the longest-running podcasts around (16 years!). Listen to our episode in the link above.
Future Forum: What Leaders Should Consider Before Bringing Teams Back Together
On October 5th, I joined The Slack Future Forum for an Executive Summit to talk about this moment of re-entry at work and discuss their survey findings of “the great executive-employee disconnect.”
Inspirations
A Salon for the Moment: I ugly-cried reading this gorgeous essay by Carvell Wallace describing a "salon" he recently hosted with his love. He writes, “Maybe the best I can hope for is that for a few brief moments, I will know what I’m going to do next and with whom I might do it. Maybe that will have to be enough. Maybe that is all I will ever need to know. Maybe love is the only real thing. Maybe we are fucked. And so maybe we can begin.”
