Phones and Gatherings
Towards a more intentional relationship with technology at our gatherings
A few years ago, a colleague of mine was invited by an acquaintance to a “journaling” class where participants would free-write answers to a series of prompts, and if comfortable, share them with the group. As they journaled, the host started filming them and posting Instagram Stories. It felt like a bait-and-switch. Did they just become “content”?
An extended family spends months coordinating a weekend reunion to gather all of the adult cousins across the country for the first time in years. At the first night’s meal, phones are all over the dining table, many of the cousins checking them regularly. It’s hard to get conversation to really even catch.
A restaurateur I know suggested to his staff that diners place their phones in a beautiful box at the maître d' stand so they could be fully present at the meal. He’d read a recent study that showed that when a cellphone is on a table, even if it’s face-down, the companion perceives their counterpart to be less present. His chef protested: If they didn’t have their phones, how would diners post photos of his exquisite creations?
Perhaps more than any other technology, smartphones have distorted our in-person gatherings through distraction and documentation. If every gathering is a social contract, our different habits and norms around phone usage are adding a complexity to both the gathering itself and its afterlife.
Though this is not a new topic (see: unplugged weddings, phone stack rules, and tech-free meetings), the answer is not always just a blanket “tech-free” gathering.
Here are five questions to cultivate a more intentional relationship to technology at every gathering:
1) How do phones serve or threaten my gathering's purpose?
Often, artists and musicians are further ahead than the rest of us in thinking through the complexity and the trade-offs of unguided tech usage at a gathering. At the taping of a recent Ali Wong comedy special, ushers handed out lockable nylon cases for phones. At the Succession Season 4 premiere, guests received branded bags for stashing devices (with Logan Roy’s voice warning that piracy is forbidden and the audience can “F*ck Off” if they dare record any of the episode.)
Because of the intellectual property involved and because they’re thinking deeply about the experience itself, artists ask: What is the purpose of this show? How does technology threaten or strengthen the gathering’s purpose? Is it good for people to post about the show or does it dilute the experience? (And we should, too.)
2) What are the phone habits of these specific people you are inviting?
At our wedding over a decade ago, my husband and I asked guests to refrain from sharing pictures of our time together in India. But when documentation is a key part of one’s lifestyle and habits, a no-phone rule can cause some friction. When someone did post a photo — of herself in a gown with other guests — we had to decide whether to address it or not. We asked her to take it down. She did, but then asked if she could post a photo by herself with no specific context. Our different assumptions and desires were in conflict.
When does one person’s desire to document their life interfere with another’s preference for privacy? How does one person pulling out their phone impact another guest’s experience of the gathering itself? When groups share the same tech norms (“Of course we’d post! Who cares???”) you don’t need to spell all this out. But in most gatherings, even within a group of friends, people have different norms and expectations and relationships to phones, social media, and documenting. And when they do, it’s good to think about how to handle it ahead of time.
3) If you're hoping for a device-free gathering, when and how do you communicate that to your guests?
A reader shared a note she received about her daughter's upcoming playdate: “It will be super low-key with good food, fun games, and maybe finish with an outdoor movie. My husband and I will be here the whole time. We are so excited to have them over! We do want you all to know, smartphone and smart tablet use, along with social media posting, is not permitted at our house unless they need to contact parents.”
The host went on to describe a device basket where the guests could drop and retrieve their phones: “We’ve found it just eliminates any unnecessary problems and drama and the kids end up having a LOT more fun if they’re all present.”
She ended the note with her and her husband’s contact information, and an open-door policy if parents want to say hi. The reader was delighted, explained to her daughter ahead of time what the rules would be and why, and felt she was leaving her kid in good, thoughtful hands (from whom she might want to take a page).
4) Does the gathering need to be tech-free the whole time?
There’s a café in Brooklyn that’s incredibly thoughtful when it comes to laptops. There are beautiful, hand-drawn signs everywhere denoting whether it’s okay to use computers (by the bar) and where not (at the tables). They’ve thought deeply about their different clientele and how to create different feels in different spots (and are OK with it).
I know of a wedding in which the couple asked their guests to put their phones away just for the ceremony. They didn’t want to look out to their community and just see a sea of phones. They did want people to capture their other favorite moments of the night, and invited them to not just take photos but upload them in a shared folder for all to enjoy.
5) How would posting photos affect those there and not there?
Your gathering starts long before anyone enters the room, but when people post a photo of a gathering, it also ends long after people go home. Part of the afterlife of modern gatherings comes not from the gathering itself, but from the documentation and the sharing with others. Before you post about your gathering, think about who is going to see that picture. As a guest, what are you revealing about someone's home? Is it appropriate to post that dance recital photo that includes other people’s children? If it’s an intimate event, how might people who know the host — but weren't invited — feel? Are you unnecessarily complicating the life of your host?
Sometimes, hosts want people to post and share and tweet and spread the good word. But more and more, non-sharing is a sign of presence and savoring the non-sharing. (And when in doubt, ask.)
You can do this, too.
To be a tech-intentional gatherer is to think deeply about guests’ and others’ relationships to technology, both in the moment and the afterlife of the gathering.
You can start by asking yourself these questions (as host or guest):
For hosts:
How might the presence of phones enhance or detract from the vibe of the gathering itself?
How might posting about the gathering change the meaning of the gathering for the guests? What is the purpose of posting?
When is creating a digital afterlife helpful, and when is it not?
For guests:
Why am I posting this?
Is the host OK with me sharing?
How is my phone helping or hurting my own presence at this gathering?
How might posting content shift your relationship to your guests (and other people)?
The artful gatherer understands that every gathering is a social contract to be shaped and held. If the “journaling class” host, for example, had said ahead of the gathering, “Hey! I’m trying to get a journaling business off the ground. I’m hosting a free class for those up for appearing in my IG stories,” the evening would have looked and felt very different.
As always,
Priya
P.S. For some more great ideas of intentional phone usage, check out this wonderful list here (and add your own)!
In Case You Missed It.
Earlier this month, I joined John Dickerson on CBS Prime Time to discuss how to add purpose to office gatherings as more companies return to in-person workplaces. We talk about meaningless meetings (and how to fix them), some of the misconceptions about the return to office life, and why hybrid is here to stay. You can watch the entire segment here.
Inspirations
Something Borrowed
Brooklyn! On April 4th at 6:30 PM, artist Jean Shin will be giving a talk at the new Brooklyn Heights public library, where her “gravity-defying” sculpture contains data about the most popular book checked out at every BPL branch the year it opened. More info here. Shin is a sophisticated, participatory artist who creates place-based art activating the space and inviting the community in. You can follow her here.
The Belonging Barometer
A relevant new report was just released called “The Belonging Barometer: The State of Belonging in America." Sponsored by Over Zero and the Center for Inclusion and Belonging at the American Immigration Council, the authors set out to create a measurement of belonging as a civic tool to help increase the number and type of people who feel that they belong in this country because they experience belonging.
Sounds About White
Haven, a collective of BIWOC and non-binary people of color, is hosting a virtual comedy show called “Sounds About White” on Zoom March 30th at 7 PM EST. Featuring Jazmyn W, Yamini Nambimadom, Seynique Smythe, and Elizabeth Booker Houston, the show will cover microaggressions, macroaggressions and everything in between. You can reserve a spot here.
