We’re Using the Mute Button All Wrong: Part 2 — Intimacy
Silent, but unmuted.
The blanket norm of mute-unless-you’re-speaking is crippling our virtual group interactions. You make a joke, and there’s no audible laughter because everybody’s on mute. A colleague shares an idea and it’s met with pindrop silence because everyone’s on mute. You join a breathing class, but can’t hear anyone else’s breath because everyone’s (politely) on mute. In trying to keep very real distractions out of our virtual gatherings, we’re throwing the baby of intimacy and connection out with the bathwater of (perceived) noise.
In my last newsletter, I wrote about how power in our virtual gatherings disproportionately lies in the mute button. Well, the mute button also affects a second huge element of group dynamics: intimacy. For our purposes, I think of intimacy as what an individual is willing to reveal or share of themselves (or their thoughts) in a group.
Some of you know that I’m part of a workout group. We’re a group of six women who have been meeting in a local park for the past five years, and then Covid hit. We’ve scattered and are now in different time zones, different cities, even a different country, but we decided to see if we could continue making it work, virtually. During our first Zoom workout, I asked them, half-joking, “Do you all want to hear me grunting, or should I mute?” Everyone yelled back, “Grunting!”
Part of the reason this group has lasted so long is because of the shared experience of working out together, of chatting, and, yes, of sharing in the sweating and grunting and all manner of noises we each make when trying to do a burpee.
Groups get liftoff through a mix of informal and formal interaction. And intimacy and trust-building happen disproportionally in the informal. When we use the mute-all button, we are inadvertently creating sterile environments.
Even in regular meetings, when you’re speaking and everyone is muted, it feels like talking into a void. It’s disorienting because we’ve frozen the social lubricant of conversation: feedback. Barring some serious background noise, our workout group keeps our mics ON. And twice a week, even during a pandemic, I feel like I’m with my friends again, sweating and grunting and chatting together apart.
I’ve been experimenting with what collective unmuting looks (and sounds) like in virtual gatherings with my conflict resolution clients as well. When the group needs it, I invite people to go into “Silent, but unmuted” mode.
Here are a few ways I think about “Silent, but unmuted’:
The collective unmute is helpful for moments of participatory conversation, when people are sharing of themselves, and where the mirrored response is important.
Prepare your Zoom guests in advance:
Tell folks we’re going to try a “silent, but unmuted” portion of the call. Share your thinking behind it, “We’re trying to avoid a completely sterile environment!”
Ask them to take the call from a quiet place (no Beyoncé in the background, people).
Headphones are helpful.
They can still mute themselves if they have sudden, loud background noise, and then just unmute when it’s over.
Make use of the group chat as a second channel to respond/affirm/remark on what people are saying in real-time.
Going “silent, but unmuted” is a group practice. It will not always be perfect, but it can be particularly useful for smaller teams or groups of people who meet more regularly.
Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t think every call should be unmuted the entire time. But, I do think we are overmuting in many contexts and I invite you to think about how and when, in conversation with your communities, you might be able to unmute and bring back some of that unfiltered life that lives behind those screens.
Inspirations
I recently spoke with Viv Groskop from How to Own the Room about how the success of an event (virtual or otherwise) is largely determined before it even begins. Take a listen.
How Social Distancing Can Help Us Rethink Our Gatherings
Check out my conversation with Nicholas Gilmore in The Saturday Evening Post about how our continued current global crisis can serve as an opportunity for us to reexamine the ways we connect with one another. You can read the article here.
A campaign by the IFYC to activate and support interfaith leaders responding to the current national crises. Learn more here.
