What Stellar Dress Codes Have In Common
7 Secrets of a Highly Successful Dress Code
I have always been fascinated by the deft use of a good dress code. Why is it that some dress codes feel delightful, while others feel oppressive? What's the difference between a sartorial theme that sparks amusement versus anxiety? At its most basic, a dress code is a directive or a request from a host to their guests on attire for an event. Dress codes can unite a disparate group of people who don’t share the same social codes. They can also completely backfire.
If gathering is about the navigation of power and connection in a group for a purpose, there’s no better learning site for us aspiring artful gatherers than dress codes. And what better time to explore the idea of a dress code than Halloween?
So, without further ado, here's what I think dress codes that work get right:
1. A good dress code primes your guest.
For a 40th Birthday party, a host requested the following attire: "The single best thing in your closet. (No shopping!)" The invitation primed a spirit of curiosity, groundedness, and joy before anyone entered the room. It was a generous ask, in part because it explicitly banned people from spending money. It gave each guest the flexibility and the agency to decide how to define the word "best" and what that might be in their wardrobe. And, for some, it was an invitation to go down memory lane. (Three guests showed up in their wedding dresses.)
2. A good dress code is interpretable and carries just the right amount of risk.
I once heard about a TV launch party where the theme was "Dress like your ex is going to be there." Immediately makes you chuckle, right? It's relational, it equalizes (we've all been there), there's space for interpretation (do you wear those great new pants or dark sunglasses and a mustache?), and it captures the purpose: it connected guests with the content of the TV show (which was all about exes and complicated relationships).
3. A good dress code temporarily equalizes.
For their annual gala, a non-profit based in East Austin called Forklift Danceworks invited their guests to dress in blue, green, and anything evocative of water. The theme of the night was "The Shape of Water." For water-oriented folks like Michele (the guest who wrote me about it), it was "an invitation to connect with strangers." Dress codes can act as equalizers and give guests a shared conversational context. This directive was particularly brilliant because it side-stepped the often-fancy assumptions of galas and gave guests a completely different way to show up.
4. A good dress code (like a good host) is self-aware and knows its audience.
I was once invited to a "We Didn’t Start the Fire" birthday party. Guests were asked to dress as one of the people, places, books, songs or events named in the lyrics of Billy Joel’s "1989 lyrical masterpiece." It came with a spreadsheet listing every lyric with only one constraint: one person, one item. The next line of the email read:
"ARE THERE OTHER COSTUME RULES, BIG GUY?"
None! Be as creative or as literal as you want to be! (tastefully, please)
Would this have worked for every audience? Perhaps not. But this host knew his audience. (And the tongue-and-cheek line also bought him a little grace.) People showed UP.
5. A good dress code creates banter.
Laura threw a "no pants party" for her 27th birthday (inspired by the Simpsons' "Don’t you hate pants?" episode). It was the middle of July in Chicago. She didn’t have AC in her apartment. People arrived in dresses and skirts and kilts and bathing suits and fun underwear and even diapers. "There were some shorts," she told me, "which were questionable choices but allowed (with a side-eye)." But things got really interesting when her father showed up wearing overalls. A debate erupted about whether or not overalls are pants. "It was an argument that rivaled 'is the hotdog a sandwich?'" And who doesn’t love a hilarious, low-stakes controversy? The party was a total hit.
6. A good dress code orients to the purpose of the gathering.
For one memorial service, guests were invited to wear sequins. "She loved sparkle," one of the guests wrote. "It was an amazing night of connecting and celebrating her life." At another, guests were requested to eschew the traditional black and wear orange and pink instead. Inside the invitation was a beautiful photo of their beloved, wearing her favorite block-pattern pink and orange sheath for inspiration. "Given that I don’t own any pink or orange garments, I decided to have fun with accessories," one guest wrote. "This gathering wasn’t about my personal taste. Adhering to the requested dress code was a playful challenge and resulted in a sense of anticipation before arriving," which "subdued my sadness," she said.
People are willing to give up some amount of agency (and tradition) when connected with a clear purpose and honoring something (or someone) they value.
7. A good dress code is generative *at* the gathering.
Margaret threw a party with the following request: "Dress like your favorite song title." As folks entered, the hosts would try to guess the song. They’d then add the guest’s song to the night's playlist "with a co-curated set that kept growing throughout the evening." Every song played then generated its own scene: The thrill of recognition! A story! Curiosity! After the party, they sent out the post-party playlist as a fun, free party favor.
You can do this too.
Think about the last time you got really excited about a dress code.
Why was this dress code so much fun? Did you have to do anything special ahead of time?
How did this dress code impact the tone of the gathering itself?
What aspect of the dress code grounded the gathering in purpose?
At the end of the day, a good dress code invites guests to play a part in bringing to life the purpose of a gathering. I'll leave you with this one, from a baby shower: "Wear black because this kid will be the death of our social life!"
P.S. I recently asked folks on Instagram about their favorite dress codes and over 200 of you responded. The list there is pretty awesome. Thank you for the inspiration!
In Case You Missed It
Earlier this month, I was a guest on the business podcast, Masters of Scale, to discuss navigating online and in-person gatherings in the new world of work. Host Bob Safian and I went long on hybrid gatherings. You can listen to it here.
Inspirations
The Modern Opera
The Festival Verdi was a site of protests this year as opera purists signaled their dismay over changes designed to attract a younger audience. It comes at a time when opera houses around the world are reckoning with their generational changes. This Harper's Bazaar story is a great example of a cultural organization identifying its purpose and designing around it.
Balthazar Ban
James Corden got banned at Balthazar (and then un-banned). Before the late-night host "apologized profusely" and got the ban rescinded, Balthazar owner Keith McNally talked about why Corden was a "bad guest."
Sh*t Facilitators Say
This Twitter account is catnip for facilitators.
