The pre-gathering texts that make your palms sweat

Nov 1

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“Oh, shit.”

We’ve all gotten that text. “Can I bring my two friends to your birthday??” “Hey, could you add me to that meeting I saw on your calendar?” “We’d love to come for Thanksgiving! FYI we’re all eating Keto at the moment.”

Gathering with intention has a way of bringing up squirmy conversations that most of us would rather avoid. Ugh. I don’t want to deal with this. Why do I even try to do something different?! But here’s the thing: gathering with clarity, specificity, and purpose means being able to hold some heat, draw boundaries with care, and practice doing things that scare us a little. When most people would rather sidestep a delicate interaction, the artful gatherer steps in.

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Three Scary Texts and How to Handle Them

1. “Can you add me to the invite?”

An executive I know was re-vamping her all-hands meeting. It had bloated over the years to become vague and unwieldy. She decided to reboot it as a small, tight meeting with only a core group. Two hours before the new meeting, she got a Slack from a colleague she hadn’t invited to the new formation: “hey, saw the new leadership meeting on the calendar. why am I not on the invite?”

The Slack

Here’s why what she did worked (and what you can do, too):

When Carol first saw the Slack, she felt a pit form in her stomach. But instead of knee-jerk responding, “Of course!” she paused and thought: What is my purpose here?

To be able to respond with care, we first need to get clear on why we’re doing what we’re doing. Ask yourself: Would this person benefit the purpose of the gathering? How would they shift or change the dynamics? If we invite them, who else then would it make sense to invite? Was this an oversight or intentional?
Only after getting clear on her meeting’s why did Carol draw a connected boundary. She made three moves:

Honor the relationship and ground in connection: Carol didn’t start by defending or sharing more about the meeting. She started with a version of, “You matter to me.”
Invite them into the purpose without inviting them into the room: She then shared the reason behind the gathering, and implicitly invited her colleague into sharing that purpose.
Educate the guest: Carol built trust by leveling with him, and letting him in on what the tighter group would have the opportunity to do together. She was also slowly changing their norm: rather than assuming everyone should be at everything, they should really be inviting the people they invited to their meetings.

2. “Can I bring a couple of plus-ones to your party?”

Most gatherings contain micro-negotiations. Often, when a guest requests to bring someone who doesn’t match the gathering, they’re trying to avoid a difficult conversation or decision themselves. Let me just bring my people to this thing, what’s the big deal? A friend of mine was hosting a small dinner party and got a text from a guest who had houseguests that weekend.

The Text:

Here’s why it worked:

Ask yourself: Does this addition just change the gathering’s size? Or would it change its purpose? In this case, the other guests were a close-knit group who all had kids who’d been in school together since kindergarten. My friend knew the two peripheral acquaintances would fundamentally change the dynamic and ease of the conversations they’d have.
Set a boundary with care: We’re often scared to set a boundary, and when we do, it can come across as harsh. When we add authentic warmth, and even humor, we keep showing that person we care. “Just you my darling!” Though she was saying “no,” to the extras, she was simultaneously re-affirming to her friend how important they are to her – and that their place at the dinner reflected that.
Explain the impact: A host will always be thinking more about the group dynamics than a guest. Sometimes, spelling it out a bit to help the guest wrap their head around what it is you’re attempting to create, can help them better understand and respect the boundary and size this time.

**3. “Does he really expect us to pay all this money for his birthday?”**

And sometimes, the texting scaries come up when we’re the guest. Mike and three of his friends were laid off from a tech company where they had a really tight-knit group of friends. A week after the layoffs, Randy, a friend who still worked for the company, invited the four of them and a few others to celebrate his 40th with him, location TBD. They couldn’t wait to celebrate him, and all said yes. A couple of days later, Randy texted the group to say he’d managed to book a private room at a buzzy restaurant. Mike looked on the restaurant’s website, and his stomach dropped. The tasting menu that came with the room was way more than he could afford. He started a sidebar with the three other laid-off friends. At first they were mad: Why would he put us in this position?! Should we ust be vague and cancel? It feels like he doesn’t actually know what our life is like right now. But then, Mike decided that he’d say something.

The Text:

Randy felt embarrassed at first. What the hell? And then he realized that his friend did him the solid of telling him the truth. Mike brought Randy into their shared worry, rather than keeping him apart from it.

A day later, Randy texted the bigger group. Change of plans! Come over to my place for a homecooked dinner dressed in your glitziest outfit, and then we’re going out dancing .

Here’s why this worked:

Ground in connection: By emphasizing how much they loved Randy and wanted to celebrate him, Mike made it clear they weren’t rejecting him.
Speak the need: Mike told the truth, while not demanding any specific outcome or change. He just gave Randy new information with care.
Give the host the dignity of their own decision: Being a courageous guest means giving the host the power to decide what to do with this new information. Randy may have gone through with the dinner anyway (and that too is obviously within his right). Mike gave Randy the information, and then let him respond accordingly.

Gathering is both beautiful and scary because in trying to create intentional ways of being together, it forces deeper questions and conversations: What matters to me? And how do I figure that out, and then articulate it, with care?

As always,

Priya

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