Turning up the heat in your gatherings (without burning down the house)
When Amanda and her boyfriend decided to get married, they knew immediately that they wanted a tiny wedding. At first, they tried to avoid the inevitable confrontation with dear friends and extended family by making the date as inconvenient as possible: the day after Thanksgiving, with only two months’ warning. Alas, no dice. Their loved ones assured them they were ready to drop everything to be there.
So they had to tell them: they loved them, but they didn’t want them there. There was disappointment, and thinly veiled threats to “drop by anyways” from nearby friends. But when I asked Amanda whether she’d make the same decision again, she didn’t hesitate. “Those hard conversations were also empowering,” she told me. “Fighting for what we knew would make our wedding really us made the day what it was: honest, intentional, and truly ours.”
I’ve been thinking about heat recently, and not the kind you cook with. It’s wedding season, and as anyone who’s ever thrown one can tell you, they’re often Trojan horses for the fights we’d prefer to avoid. Weddings force us to answer: Who’s in? Who’s out? Who are we now? What are our values? And, as always, who decides? It’s also election season. Over the next two months, many of us will be in work meetings, group hangs, and Thanksgiving dinners that get foisted into moments of heat we’re unprepared for.
It’s natural to want to avoid tension, especially in group settings. Most of us are taught to keep things comfortable and conflict-free (I come from a family of ostriches myself!). But when we prioritize avoiding tension above all else, our gatherings become vague and diluted. After all, heat is relevance.
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Why healthy heat is the secret to gatherings that move us
What do I mean when I say "healthy heat"? Healthy heat is a generative rather than destructive force. We create it when we look closely at what matters to us and choose to share that with others with care – and when there is both danger but also real benefit in doing so.
Heat helps us get to the essential. Heat allows us to determine a specific and disputable purpose for our gatherings, thereby giving them energy and life force. Heat allows us to defend our purpose, saying it’s not for everyone this time. Healthy heat clarifies, moves us forward, and helps us grow. When we begin to hold some amount of healthy heat in our gatherings, we’re able to create and hold relevance.
Artful gatherers know when to spark, hold, and bank healthy heat. But before you can begin to wield it with care, you need to understand your own relationship to heat.
Ask yourself: Are you a peacemaker or a troublemaker? (Or both?)
Take an inventory of your conflict style. When conflict starts to brew, are you the person who jumps to smooth things over, or are you the troublemaker poking and prodding the fight on?
I like to ask large groups the same question and have them raise their hands to the corresponding answer. After they’ve finished laughing and pointing out their troublemaker colleagues, I let them quiet down for a minute before asking my final question: “Who here considers themselves both?”
As hands go up, I explain: In my experience, people who are both smoother-overs and troublemakers are disproportionately likely to be part of transformative conversations. Why? Because they're not afraid of a little heat, but they're also not in it to burn the whole house down.
Ask yourself: What choices would you have made if you weren’t afraid of heat?
Think back to the last big gathering you held where you felt pulled to compromise to keep other people happy. It could be a big conference, a wedding, or a birthday party. Were there moments where you made decisions to avoid tension? What would have happened if you leaned into the heat instead? What might you have said or done differently if you weren’t afraid of conflict or awkward conversations?
It’s okay if you have regrets: they help us see what’s to gain from embracing heat in our gatherings more clearly. This also might be a good time to fess up that I’m conflict-averse… and a conflict facilitator. Even now, 20 years into my career, my palms get sweaty, and my heart starts beating faster when I feel the heat rising in a room. And I’ve had to learn the skills to hold that heat.
The next time you’re faced with potential heat as you plan a gathering, take a deep breath. This might just be the spark that your gathering needs.
As always,
Priya
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