Sometimes, you just gotta throw the better party.

Aug 28

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Over the past five weeks, something remarkable has happened. Democratic rallies have gone from staged stump speeches to the hottest ticket in town. Suddenly, with Kamala Harris at the helm, I’ve seen a different kind of Democratic Party. I’ve seen a party able to tap into the energy of its communities and bottle up that lightning. I’ve seen a party that has found joy, because of and not despite the fact that it’s facing the existential. I’ve seen a party that’s remembered how to throw a party.

As I watched the hundred-thousands-strong Zooms and a roaring Democratic National Convention, I was reminded of something a mentor of mine, Rick Ingrasci, always said: “If you want to create a new culture, throw a better party.” Building joy around a shared purpose is at the very center of artful gathering, and it’s something we can all learn to do.

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3 ways to build joy, energy, and buy-in for your gatherings:

I want to share with you four ceremonies that have made me think, made me look again, made me question: What now shall we mark?

1. Give it a name people cancel their plans for.

“The White Dudes for Harris Zoom.” “The Worn-Out Mom’s Hootenanny.” “F$ck Cancer!” “Hotties for Harris.” One of the simplest ways to build energy for your gathering is to give it a sharp, funny, accurate name that conveys to your guests what this thing promises to be.

When I train leaders to be smarter, more strategic gatherers, I start by having them answer two questions:

What is a deep and burning question within your team that you can’t answer alone?
If you were to host a panel on that very question, what's a title that would pack the room?

During a recent workshop, I asked one executive to share his imaginary title with the room. “Listening to Customer Feedback,” he read. “Punch it up. Raise the heat,” I told him. “How to Build More Responsive Products,” he responded. “Keep going,” I coached. “What’s at the core of this meeting that you want to name?” Finally, he blurted out: “Why Do Our Customers Hate Our Product?: A Roundtable.” The room burst into laughter and started applauding. He’d found both heat and humor, a powerful combination for unleashing energy while rallying the troops.

2. Treat jokes like ideas, not betrayals.

When I’m facilitating, I pay close attention to people’s throw-away comments (the jokes, the asides). We tend to treat these quips like small betrayals rather than what they are: glimpses of what’s going on beneath the group's surface. And when we know how to harness that energy, we can rekindle a community. Take a small congregation that was going through a hard time. They wanted to get their church together to grow the love. Someone joked on a volunteer WhatsApp thread that maybe they should get a dunk tank. Another retorted: “Dunk the Deacon? ” They rented a dunk tank, and a party was born.

Years ago, a journalist was assigned to “Art of Gathering”-ify her dinner party with me for a magazine article. She assumed she’d need to host a fancy, candle-lit soirée. I could tell it felt like a “should” she needed to rev herself up to do. When I pushed her on her reluctance, she joked, “I’m a worn-out mom.” Bingo. Now, we had the kernel of an idea. What if she hosted a dinner for her other worn-out mom friends? And they ordered take out? We christened her dinner, “The Worn-Out Mom’s Hootenanny.” The only rule? If you talk about your kids, you have to take a tequila shot. She'd stumbled upon joyful relevance. All six guests RSVPd within an hour.

3. Don't be afraid to say it's not for everyone.

When guests aren’t showing up, it’s easy to assume we just need to invite more people. Try the opposite: make your gathering for someone, instead of anyone. The day Kamala Harris declared she’d take Joe Biden’s place as the Democratic nominee for president, 90,000 Black women logged onto the same "Win with Black Women" Zoom. In that room by and for Black women, they could celebrate one of their own and how much they’d given to help shape the moment.

Night after night for those first few weeks, different groups gathered on Zoom, each with a tone that felt plucked straight from the group chat. In the shared space of “Win with Black Men,” the Attorney General of Illinois could be frank: “I’m standing behind a Black woman to be president of the United States, and it doesn’t make me any less of a Black man. I’m asking all of you to do the same.” Over 160,000 white women logged into “White Women: Answer The Call!," a reckoning around their role in Trump’s rise to power, where they coached each other on how to have hard conversations with the people they loved. “White Dudes for Harris” decided that rather than host an identity showdown, they’d take a low-key, funnier approach and invite 180,000 guys for a loose hang with The Dude himself, Jeff Bridges.

When different communities tap into what’s specific, needed, and taboo for each of them, they're able to build relevance and unleash extraordinary energy.

Gatherings shouldn't feel like a “should.” Plan the gathering you want to attend. When you find yourself mischievously asking, “Can we just do that?” The answer is often yes; yes, we can.

As the great Harry Belafonte famously said, “When the music is strong, the movement is strong.”

As ever,

Priya

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Inspirations

How I Learned to Throw Amazing Parties, Every Time

After the last dinner she hosted for friends left her feeling an overwhelming sense of "blah," Jancee Dunn was assigned to have me workshop her next gathering for Real Simple Magazine. Read about her "Worn Out Mom's Hootenanny" here.

How Ben "Moody" Harney is Reconnecting New Yorkers with Their Oystering History

I had no idea that the oyster trade in New York City was historically a source of wealth and business for freed Black people. Cool spotlight in this summer’s Edible Manhattan about how one restauranteur is serving that history back to the community.

What Adults Lost When Kids Stopped Playing in the Street

Read how a simple question motivated a couple of parents sick of driving their kids to scheduled hangs to shut down their street to cars. “With time, space, and permission, what happens?,” they ask. Sometimes, magic.

Welcome to the Art of Gathering Newsletter! Every month I share helpful stories and insights that will help you create more meaningful gatherings at home and at work.

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