Why Designing for Introverts is Better for Everyone.

Jul 31

Not a subscriber? Click here to sign up to the Art of Gathering Newsletter (Don’t worry, we’ll save your spot here. A link will open in a new tab)

There’s a set of questions I’ve been getting recently that rhyme:

“Do you have hosting tips for people who don’t like being the center of attention?”

“Can I be a good host if I don’t have a big, bubbly personality?”

“What if I’m better one-on-one?”

“I’ve been feeling anxious around big groups since lockdown. How do you gather when you have social anxiety?”

I respond the same way each time: “Congratulations! You share a trait with the most artful gatherers that I know.”

Years ago, I interviewed dozens of people for The Art of Gathering who were known as phenomenal gatherers both inside and outside of their communities. I was surprised by how many of them, unprompted, would share with me that they self-identified as introverted, “preferred to stay out of the spotlight,” or had a “lower social battery.” I found this counterintuitive until one woman finally told me, “I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m uncomfortable at most gatherings that I go to. So I create the gatherings that I wish existed in the world.”

Self-identifying introverts may be more willing to admit it, but in my experience, everyone has a bit of a fear of groups. Being in touch with that fear is healthy and makes for better gatherers. When we’re nervous, we’re more likely to prepare thoughtfully. We don’t just wing it.

Here’s a little secret: you can gather well even if you weren’t the star of your high school theater production. Quieter super hosts tend to rely on design rather than, say, the force of their personality to create artful gatherings. And you can, too. When you bake thoughtful design into your gatherings, you release yourself from the weight of being the primary vector for connection. And your gathering will be a hit, no matter how “on” you’re feeling that day.

Do you know someone who might be interested in this newsletter? Perhaps a friend or community member who has an important gathering coming up, or a colleague who is tasked with improving a workplace meeting? We’d love to welcome them to this Artful Gathering community. Click the link below to share this with them.

Share with a friend

The shy hosts’s guide to designing for everyone:

1. Instead of small talk, try small play.

Whenever I go to my friend Heidi’s house, everyone from the six-year-old to the 60-year-old has a good time. She leaves tiny, non-verbal invitations all over her house for guests to discover. There might be a backgammon board, out of the case, placed on a coffee table. A pile of books to flip through, stacked in a window nook. A kid-sized table with a cup of markers and two pieces of white paper left out. A big jump rope in the backyard. Each is a pro-social nudge to connect and engage, often in smaller pairs, in ways that tend to lead people through side doors into unexpected conversations.

2. Re-imagine the old smoke break.

Groups are like accordions: they need moments of compression and moments of release. I used to live in a long, narrow, rail-road-style apartment. Whenever we’d have guests over, I noticed there would almost always be two or three people who wouldn’t enter the living room but have animated conversations squished into the narrowest point of the hallway between a painting and a bookshelf. A friend of mine dubbed it their “tiny introverted dream spot.”

You can design these escape hatches into your gatherings, too. I once attended a 40th birthday party on a large and sprawling rooftop. As I explored the venue, I noticed a small nook set up with two hammocks and a sign written in black Sharpie: “Susan Cain’s Introverts Corner.” In another corner, another sign: “The Vice Lounge.” This one was stocked with cigars and good whiskey. Both spots had completely different vibes from the main party. All night, people flowed steadily in and out of them to take breathers before coming back to the party with new and renewed energy.

3. Give guests tiny roles.

All of Vanessa’s most devoted regulars turned up at the bar to cheer on England in the Euros Final. They all knew each other except for one woman, who sat slightly apart from everyone and fiddled nervously with her phone. Vanessa handed her a tin of white and red face paint and told her that her job was to finger-paint England flags on the others’ faces. After the woman went around laughing and painting their faces, she spent the rest of the game cheering and hanging out with the other England soccer fans. We often think we shouldn’t ask people to help, but giving them small, specific roles creates an in to the group.

4. Ease people in as they arrive.

It’s normal to feel a flutter in your stomach (or more!) the moment before you enter a room filled with people. I certainly do. Artful gatherers welcome and orient during those precious moments of entry. I recently stopped by Harana Market, which describes itself as part community-gathering space, part Filipino homestyle kitchen, and part shop. As my family and I entered, someone from the staff warmly greeted us and explained how the space works. Then, on my right, I noticed a large corkboard with the words “Salu-Salo Board.” A sign explained that Salu-Salo meant “gathering together to eat” in Tagalog. The board was covered in “pay it forward” Post-its from previous guests addressed to anyone who might walk through the door and need a boost: “$20 for a single parent,” “$10 for a registered nurse,” “$5 for anyone who needs a smile,” “$10: get the halo halo!” I knew immediately this was a different kind of place.

It turns out that when we host the gatherings we wish existed in the world, we create gatherings that can hold so many more of us.

As always,

Priya

Sign up for The Art of Gathering Newsletter

Get monthly gathering insights, tips, and inspiration from Priya.

ICYMI

I loved talking with Carissa Potter for her podcast, “Bad At Keeping Secrets.” We talked about how to figure out what matters in modern life and how to gather around it.

Inspirations

A Residency Designed for Artist-Parents

The artist Elsie Kagan kept having to turn down residency programs (where artists go and have time and space to create their art) because she had young kids. So she took matters into her own hands and started a residence program for artists with kids called The Interlude Artist Residency.

The Art of Survival

Jennifer Senior wrote a beautiful piece about the inimitable Suleika Jaouad and survival as a creative act. It’s a stunning essay. And, for those of you in the New York/New Jersey region, Jaouad and her mother, Anne Francey, have a shared art show, “The Alchemy of Blood” at Art Yard in Frenchtown, NJ on through September 22.

Join or Die

If you’re in the community-building space, Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone is a foundational read. I was happy to participate in a documentary about his impact on the field called “Join or Die”. Join (or host!) a screening.

Welcome to the Art of Gathering Newsletter! Every month I share helpful stories and insights that will help you create more meaningful gatherings at home and at work.

Looking to go deeper? Grab my free guide below to help you transform your next gathering.

-> The New Rules of Gathering: A Guide to Unlock New and Creative Ways of Being Together