Become a Force for Better Gatherings
How do you create change when your gatherings aren't cutting it?
Raj is horrified by his new company's 4-hour weekly meetings. He can't figure out why the meeting culture at this firm is so bad, but he's also unsure how to make it better (especially as a new-ish hire). Casey is itching to make her friends' reunion more meaningful, but is pretty sure that if she suggests something specific, they'll just roll their eyes. Elise wants to change the format of her extended family's long-running Seder, but is worried about the drama it might cause.
Maybe you're on board with artful gathering. Maybe you're ready to shift the culture of your meetings, or cousin-hang, or fill-in-the-blank Saturday night with friends. But what about everyone you need to convince?
This month, I want to focus on how to start actually shifting the gathering culture of your communities, whether at work or with family and friends.
How exactly do you shift a culture of gathering?
People often ask me, particularly in workplaces, "How do you change how people gather when you’re not the one running the meeting?" And with friends or family: "How do you shift the vibe when there are big personalities running the show?"
Yes, it's a bit risky. But if you've been here for a minute, you know a little bit of risk is baked into the foundation of artful gathering 😉. Ultimately, you'll have to decide if this is a fight worth championing. If so, here's how to start becoming a force for better gatherings.
1) Observe and unpack.
Before you try to shift your community's gathering culture, notice which parts aren't working for you. Note your reaction if — at a meeting, dinner, or other gathering — you start feeling like, "here we go again," or "what a waste of time," or "I'm not enjoying this," or "why am I here???"
Consider these questions and even jot your answers down:
What exactly is bothering me here?
Why am I reacting so strongly?
Is it me? Is it them?
What do I wish was happening instead?
What's my purpose in being here? What is the group's purpose? (Do they even know what it is?)
2) Find your allies and get a vibe check.
You're probably not the only one suffering through this thing. When searching for possible allies, ask yourself:
Who else might not be enjoying this?
With whom do I have a trusted relationship?
Who will give me honest feedback?
For Raj, this meant noticing who else was visibly checked out at these meetings. For Casey, it meant calling up one of her most adventurous friends to test the waters. Elise low-key texted a favorite cousin who she thought might also be up for something new. Get a vibe check. "Whad'ya you think of the last group dinner?" "Is it just me, or did it seem like the same three people did most of the talking?" "Did that last Zoom call feel weird to you too?" Drop a meme to a Slack buddy and see how they respond.
3) Learn the gathering's history.
A former boss once told me something to the effect of: "before trying to repeal or replace a law you don’t like, first understand what problem that law was originally trying to solve." The same goes for your gathering. Get curious. When and why did this gathering first start? What problem was it trying to solve for back then? Who made the decision to gather in this way, and why? What do people value about the current form?
4) Be power-literate (particularly in the workplace).
Be mindful of where you (currently) sit in the group's configuration.
What are your levers of influence?
What role or roles do you typically play in this group?
What is your source of authority (if any)?
Where does informal and formal decision-making lie in this group?
How is power or status distributed?
Among you and your allies, what is it within your power to do on your own? Do you need to ask permission? Should you go a little rogue?
Note: Workplace dynamics are very different from non-workplace group dynamics because of the systemic and institutional nature of work and group life.
5) Send up test balloons.
It depends on who you are and the role you play in the group, but here are some ways folks in this community have attempted to shift how their people gather:
Hack one piece of the gathering. In a casual chat with his boss, Raj mentioned he’d learned that "the way a group starts a meeting sets the tone for the rest of it." She was intrigued, and asked Raj to run the first five minutes of the weekly meeting for a month. Each week, he led the group through a different ice-breaking exercise, and his colleagues soon noticed the contrast between his intentional openings and the trainwreck of the rest of the meeting. It started a larger conversation: how should we run the rest of the meeting? 🤔
Give them a taste of what they could be doing. Instead of making a big announcement for her friends' weekend, Casey just packed a deck of conversation cards. During a weekend lull, she casually brought them out and her friend (who she had called before the weekend) rallied around it. They pushed through some eye-rolls and the friends laughed, cried, learned things about each other they never knew, and later agreed (to their surprise) that it was the highlight of the weekend.
Show some science. Steph realized that it wasn't obvious to everyone on her team that how you run a meeting affects the work. (Even though she was a partner, some of her other partners were skeptical about spending time thinking about the meeting itself.) So she shared the Project Aristotle Google study on psychological safety. Suddenly, her colleagues were listening, which gave her space to introduce a shift. It also gave them some common language to explain what they were trying to do.
Rather than just judging or checking out of the next bad gathering you’re at, I invite you to get curious, get observant, and see if you might transform how you’re spending your limited time together.
As always,
Priya
The Art of Gathering Digital Course is back.
One way to shift the way your people gather is to start learning about gathering together — what works, what doesn't, and why. I'm so excited to re-open my Art of Gathering Digital Course, a 6-week online learning experience created to guide you through the process of planning and hosting intentional gatherings in the workplace, in your communities, and for special occasions. And this time we're offering a cohort experience so groups and teams can develop norms, language and tools together. Until February 13th, I'm offering a 25% discount to my online community. You can sign up here.
Inspirations
I've been reading Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg's excellent new book, ON REPENTANCE AND REPAIR, and couldn't recommend it more. Ruttenberg is one of the freshest thinkers and translators of the ancient Jewish philosopher Maimonides' texts on the distinctions between repentance, repair and forgiveness both individually and collectively. A bookshelf staple for any facilitator. This month, she will appear in conversation with Mara Wilson as part of the 92Y's online lecture series. (Tickets here.)
There are many forms of gatherers, hosts and ritual creators. I’ve had my eye on the rise of the modern “death doula” – someone trained to guide end-of-life conversations and experiences for the dying and their loved ones (a.k.a. all of us). The Congressional Cemetery has hired its first-ever “death doula” and this Washington Post profile describes her weekly gatherings to normalize talking about the taboo topic of death through party games, card decks, write-your-own-obituary exercises, and guest speakers.
I was thrilled to discover that MIT’s Open Documentary Lab spent 2022 studying “how curators create meaningful connections between online and in-person festival goers, the artists and the work.” You can read the main takeaways from this research here.
