How to Fix Your Invitations
An invitation is an act of persuasion.
How scooters, coffee cups, and an unusual RSVP request shifted the culture of a neighborhood.
When Robin and her partner moved their family to a new neighborhood outside of Chicago, she had visions of cook-offs and block parties and an open-door policy. But she soon realized that very few of her neighbors actually knew one another. This wasn’t, it turned out, a block that "hung out." How might she change that?
After consulting with her next-door neighbors, who’d lived on the block for 30+ years, she decided to host a "Bagels & Brew" breakfast at her house to provide a space for them to casually mingle. She sent her six and nine-year-old girls as emissaries via scooter to hang to-go coffee cups with "save the coffee date" notes on neighbors' doors. A week later, the kids delivered invitations (printed at VistaPrint) asking guests for 1) an RSVP; 2) their email address; 3) the number of years they lived on their block; and 4) three fun facts about them.
Her new neighbors responded in turn: "30 years," "46 years," "in my next life I’d like to be a cabaret singer," "I’d most like to visit Poland (my people!)," "I once delivered a baby…not ours!" Then two days before the gathering, Robin sent a playful reminder email that included a YouTube clip from "Cheers."
Robin understood that every gathering is a temporary social contract, and an invitation is the opening salvo.
Robin had a problem many of us share: she wanted to gather people in a way they weren’t used to and needed to bring them along. Sure, she could just send an invitation with the date, time and place, but would anyone show up? She understood her role as host didn’t begin at the moment her guests arrived, but rather from the very first moment of discovery.
The moment of discovery is the moment the guest discovers a specific, promised future happening and has to decide whether or not to attend. And the lever of that moment is the invitation.
When you’re doing something new — or gathering in a new way with the people you know best — the invitation is an act of ramp creation. And Robin used three moments — the "save the date" coffee cups, the paper invitations, and the "Cheers" email GIF — as on-ramps for her guests to build warmth, context, and trust.
An invitation is a missive sent to a potential participant to see if they’re willing to sign on the bottom line.
By writing down the number of years they lived on the block, the guests were responding to Robin's call. By sending in three facts about themselves, they were taking a risk (as was she, by asking for it). Each time a neighbor willingly responded, they were building the legitimacy of the gathering. Yes, I'm up for it. Yes, I'll share this fact about me. Yes, I’m game.
On the day of the gathering, the kids covered the walkway with sidewalk chalk, and had a toy bubble machine blowing at the entrance. Each neighbor got a name tag with the number of years they lived on the block, plus a second name tag with someone else’s three fun facts, so they would have to find the person with their fun facts and say "that's me!"
The party was casual and friendly. Neighbors shared stories about how the block had changed over time. And a couple across the street stole hearts with their 6-month-old baby. When it was time to say goodbye, Robin brought out a cake iced with the name of the block and the number "502" — the collective number of years her guests had lived there. "We are so happy to be in our forever home," she said. The kids blew out the candles on the porch and everyone clapped. They were clearly moved. A neighbor raised a toast and said, "We're so happy to have you here."
Practicing the art of invitation
Robin’s "Bagels & Brew" party was a relatively simple gathering. And yet it shifted the culture of that block for years to come. The street has since hosted a block party, a progressive holiday party across three houses, and a May happy hour. And the way she went about inviting her neighbors to that first Bagels & Breakfast was fundamental to that shift.
Think about the invitations you’ve received.
What makes you say an enthusiastic yes?
Which invitations have given you pause or made you more reluctant to say "yes"?
Have you ever received invitations that annoyed you or rubbed you the wrong way? What about them made you feel this way?
Which invitations have genuinely piqued your interest?
Whether you're the new kid on the proverbial block or want to gather your beloveds in new ways, I invite you to shift how you gather by shifting how you invite.
In Case You Missed It
SXSW Opening Keynote: On Gathering
It was a real treat to be the Opening Keynote at SXSW in Austin, Texas this March. For the first time in three years, SXSW held its annual conference in person (and streamed). To take advantage of being in person, my talk was part fireside chat, part Q&A and part interactive exercises with the audience. (You're welcome to steal them for your next retreat.) You can watch the entire keynote at the link above.
Inspirations
I couldn't be more thrilled to share that Anand Giridharadas's newest book, THE PERSUADERS: At the Front Lines of the Fight for Hearts, Minds, and Democracy, is set for publication this fall. The book is thrilling and prescient and desperately needed. I devoured it and can’t stop thinking about its lessons (and not just because my husband wrote it). You can preorder a signed copy at the link above.
This piece by Foreign Policy's Janine di Giovanni hit home. Giovanni, a seasoned facilitator, peace-builder and writer, highlights the gender gap in peacemaking and shows why we need more women facilitators at the center (not the periphery) of our most-pressing global conflicts.
“My wife says I’m getting weird,” Curtis Kimball wrote on fliers, which he pasted around his neighborhood. “She says I need to make friends. So I’m making pancakes.” Nearly 100 neighbors — also seeking connection — showed up for his first of many pancake parties. Sign. Me. Up.
