How a Simple Move Changed a Birthday Party
Why do some activities take off and others fall flat?
How a simple move changed a night.
In January 2020, Betsy's dad turned 70. Though her extended family of 15 was usually skeptical of group activities, she wanted to mark this milestone birthday in a meaningful way beyond just chatting, singing and blowing out candles. I’m now halfway through teaching my first digital course on the Art of Gathering, and this question — "How do you figure out the right activity, given your purpose?" — came up in one of our most recent sessions. We asked the students to share times when a host chose the right activity for a group. Betsy’s was one of them. Here’s what she did.
Two weeks ahead of the big day, she asked each guest to send her three digital photos of their fondest memories of her pop. On his birthday, the family piled into Betsy’s living room and she cued up a slideshow of their submitted photos. One by one, pictures appeared on the screen, and "when it was your picture," Betsy explained, "the person went up and told the room about why they chose it and what the memory was." A photo of a random black truck (from Google Images) appeared, and her three-year-old daughter excitedly stood up and announced, "any time she sees a black truck, she thinks of my dad," Betsy said. "When it pulls in our driveway, she’s giddy." Next up: a picture of her parents' first home. Betsy's mother talked about how the house was in need of SO much work but her husband was excited to fix it up, and how they lived with the heat off on warmer winter days to save money. Another image popped up. It was Betsy’s sister-in-law, meeting the parents for the first time. With 15 guests in attendance, the activity lasted an hour, which was just long enough.
"It was a great milestone birthday. It was an easy lift because it was small, and we’d never done anything like that as a family before," Betsy said. "It was way better than just singing 'Happy Birthday.'" (Though the family sang "Happy Birthday," too.) And folks were thrilled, energized and surprised by how fun and meaningful the celebration felt.
So, why did this activity work so well?
It was a Goldilocks ask. (Not too big, not too small.) While asking guests to do something ahead of time can certainly prime them, if it’s too big or complex an ask it can just feel like labor. The right-sized ask should be both relevant to the purpose of the gathering and have a good payoff. Assuming everyone has photos on their phones, digging up old photos was very doable (and hopefully gave each guest a reason to take a quick trip down memory lane before they even entered the room).
There was an element of surprise. By making the sequence of photos a surprise, there was an inherent level of attention and playfulness built into wondering whether or not yours was going to be next.
The ask was accessible to each participant, even if they did it in their own way. When a photo of her siblings’ high school came up, Betsy and her brother reminisced about how their dad taught at their school and they could say hi during free periods. When the truck photo appeared, the three-year-old could jump up and down and explain how happy she is when Grandpa visits.
The form itself carried just the right amount of nostalgia. Given that her father was turning 70, the form harkened back to an era where “family slideshows” were a thing. (They certainly were in my house.) In the right form, it’s also a nod to an older shared ritual, updated with pace and shared story-telling.
Everyone participated, allowing for the layering of perspectives. Because Betsy’s dad is also a grandfather, a brother, a cousin, and a husband, the exercise allowed everyone to reflect on and share their individual relationships with him. It was a good reminder: he’s not a monolith (and neither are we).
Betsy landed on this activity in part because she was clear on the purpose of her gathering – the why of it all. And because Betsy knew her purpose – to help the larger family meaningfully honor her father on his big day – she could then figure out the right form. How do I get everyone involved? Where could there be a little competition? She didn’t start with a fixed idea in her head of what it might look like. But she eventually landed on the right fit for her family in this moment.
You can do this too.
What's an example of when you were at a gathering and a host planned an activity that really hit the spot? What made this a good activity?
As we enter into summer, whether it's reunions with friends or families or colleagues you haven't seen in a long time, I wish you meaningful, engage-y, non-eye-roll-y connection.
In Case You Missed It
SXSW Opening Keynote: On Gathering
In April, I had the pleasure of being the closing speaker, alongside Baratunde Thurston, at SXSW EDU. In a wide-ranging conversation, we shouted out the teachers who changed our lives, discussed the classroom as a space for gathering and the role of the school as a temporary alternative world. Our talk is now available for free on YouTube.
Inspirations
On July 10th, Lincoln Center is hosting a "symbolic, short, multicultural ceremony in Damrosch Park" for all those whose weddings were impacted by COVID (plus anyone who wants to recommit to their partners). 😭 After the ceremony, there'll be dancing and desserts on the outdoor dance floor. You can sign up here to participate. I love this so very much.
Free canoes to help others connect to nature in the city
And YOU get a canoe! During the pandemic, Matt Thompson sold his card collection and bought three canoes, and started lending them for free to his neighbors. The canoes now book weeks in advance, and have become an unexpected way of connecting members of the community.
How do we mark a new federal holiday? Anna Gifty Opoku-Agyeman talks with NPR about how we should mark Juneteenth, and where and how all Americans can thoughtfully mark this day.
