The Art of Guesting
The MVG: The Most Valuable Guest
I aspire to be a great guest. I often write about designing and hosting and facilitating gatherings from the perspective of the host. But, here's the thing: Most of us are guests much more often than we are hosts. (That's certainly true for me.) This work is called The Art of Gathering, not the Art of Hosting, in part because guests have extraordinary power in shaping a gathering, too – particularly at the gathering.
Here, I'm sharing five ways to up your guesting game. (I promise, you will always be invited back.)
1. A good guest helps meaning-make.
It's a common adage to leave a newlywed couple alone on their honeymoon. Don't call, don't write, just let them be. Over a decade ago, on the second morning of our honeymoon, my husband received an email that took our breath away. The subject line was "20 things." And it was a list of 20 things one of his oldest friends loved about our wedding. My husband read them aloud to me and we grinned from ear to ear. Some of the moments were also our favorite moments, and others we hadn't witnessed ourselves but were delighted to hear about.
Even though my husband and I were technically the hosts, this guest became our meaning-maker. As a guest, she realized that there were many moments we wouldn't have been a part of, and she had the deep empathy and care to reflect our gathering back to us.
2. A good guest commits.
In June, I attended a friend's graduation party. She returned to school in her 40s, and we were all excited to celebrate her career change. The graduation party was at her home, and her wife had invited friends from all parts of their joint life.
Early in the evening, two women arrived wearing headpieces shaped like tiny graduation hats, with huge smiles and wide-open arms. Another guest turned to me and said, "I didn't realize there would be other graduates here." And I replied, "I think they're guests." As people turned to look at them, their presence and enthusiasm subtly shifted the room.
Over the course of the night, these two women were just so full of joy. They wore these little graduation cap headbands with enthusiasm and humor. When they were ready to leave, they ceremoniously handed each hat to two other guests: "You are now the bearers of these graduation headband thingies. We’re handing the torch to you to keep the flame burning bright."
3. A good guest thinks like a host.
Recently, I attended a housewarming party where, during dinner, one of the guests leaned over and said to the host with a twinkle in her eye, "Would you mind if I asked the group what their favorite part of the new home is?" The host said, "Sure!" This guest clinked her glass, stood up, and said that she’d love to hear everyone’s favorite thing about their friends' new home.
One by one, the friends and family took a turn and shared all sorts of little details about the feel of the place, a favorite object, a certain corner, the love they felt walking in. It would have been almost an awkward question for the hosts themselves to ask. She used her "guest power" to ask a deeply generous question that showered her friends with love and appreciation and the joy of being witnessed.
4. A good guest thoughtfully (and playfully) steps in and fills the gaps.
Pat, a student in my Art of Gathering digital course, shared a story about a black-tie wedding she attended (as a plus one) at a large estate. There was a great lawn, several gardens, a courtyard, and a massive hall. As she and the other guests arrived, no one knew where to find the ceremony and reception.
Pat happened to see the bride and groom moving towards one of the gardens, and even though she didn’t actually know the couple personally, she made herself Guide of Guests. She started a game of telephone where the guests all over the property started directing each other to the garden where the ceremony was starting. She shifted the entrance from stressful to playful, and rallied the confused guests into a joyful team.
5. A good guest can alter other guests.
My husband and I recently took my in-laws to Bemelmans Bar, one of the most iconic bars in New York City. It's famous partly because the walls are covered in paintings by Ludwig Bemelmans, the creator of the Madeline children's books. (It's also apparently been discovered by Gen Z.) We tucked in at a small round table, and at 5:30pm sharp, a middle-aged man in full tails started playing the grand piano in the center of the room.
Around 6:00 PM, three guests took the table right next to the piano. Instead of facing each other, as the rest of the parties had done, they picked up their chairs, gathered around one side of the table, and squeezed together to face the piano player. At the end of the song, they started clapping loudly. It was the first time there had been any noticeable clapping for the music. Suddenly, the rest of the room turned to see what was happening, and started clapping, too. The pianist looked startled and pleased. With each song that followed, the collective applause grew louder.
Through their enthusiasm and focus, those three guests turned the bar into a different kind of place. And they turned us into different kinds of guests. It became a shared experience to be there together, to clap together, to listen together, to honor the pianist together. And to realize that we were in a place that was worthy of respect and elevation. They transformed a bar into a concert. And us, from individual tables into an appreciative, attentive audience.
You can do this too.
To up your guesting game, I invite you to reflect on these questions:
How have you tried to be a good guest recently?
As a host, how have guests blown you away by their thoughtfulness or care?
When has a guest rallied the troops at one of your gatherings?
A good guest is a lot like a good citizen. And wow, do we need some good citizens right now.
Inspirations
For Bon Appetit, author Alissa Wilkinson unpacked the comfort factor of the modern dinner party, tracing its history and discussing the (very real) benefits of sharing a meal with friends. My favorite example in her piece: a weekly gathering known simply as "Soup."
The journalist Amanda Ripley recently confessed in the Washington Post that she'd stopped reading the news. "Today’s news, even high-quality print news, is not designed for humans," she writes. She recommends journalists move towards dignity, agency and hope.
I recently saw Baz Luhrmann's Elvis and absolutely loved it. The hype is real, folks. It's got everything: stellar acting and stunning music, over-the-top art direction, a villainous (!) Tom Hanks...It's also an extraordinary film about race in America. I left the theater feeling all shook up.
