Special Occasions as Lifelines in Hard Times

Apr 15

Light At the Middle of the Tunnel

April is a month of birthdays in my family. My son turned five on the 1st, and I had to figure out what an age-appropriate Zoom birthday is at that age. (Turns out, it’s not what I did.) And, my stepfather turns 80 at the end of the month. We planned a celebratory family weekend together, but that’s clearly been put on ice. Now, we’re trying to figure out how to mark such a momentous occasion, together apart.

It got me thinking, whether for a 5-year-old or 80-year-old, how do we make virtual gatherings memorable for the group and unique to that person, beyond just blowing out candles on a cake?

I’ve been getting questions about whether or not it’s OK to celebrate birthdays and mark other joyful life events during Corona. And here’s what I say: Not only is it OK, these occasions can be lifelines. Particularly when the gathering is focused on creating meaningful connection and is not only performative.

What do I mean by performative?

Performative means going through the symbolic motions that signal you're celebrating a specific event. For a birthday, think pointy hats, candles, the Happy Birthday song. Performance isn’t bad. In fact, it is an important element of ritual. But when a gathering stays at the performative level only, it often becomes this sort of disorganized, people-talking-over-each-other, going-through-the-motions of singing thing, watching each other eat, and after a bit, waving bye and peacing out.

Meaningful connection, on the other hand, bonds people together, creates a shared experience, and makes people feel seen, supported, and in it together. And moving from performative to meaningful need not be complicated.

Let me give an example.

We are planning a Zoom cocktail hour for my stepfather’s 80th, and invited 40 people from all parts of his life to “stop by”. Instead of people just popping in and making an appearance, we created a simple structure to foster meaningful connection.

We’ve invited each guest to bring a story and a wish. That’s it. And my mother will play the role of a friendly, fun police cop, to invite people to share (and keep it moving).

A story: By asking people to bring a story, you give guests a meaningful, specific way to participate. The sharing of stories provides context to everyone else on the call as to who each person is and the nature of the bond. And, you are creating an experience where all of the guests (including the birthday person) leave thinking more deeply about who they are, what they mean to each other, and who they might want to be.

A wish: If a story reminds us of our past, the wish then points to the future. I prefer wish over advice as it’s more of a blessing or prayer than a judgement. It also invites the community members to make wishes, not just the birthday boy.

It will not surprise you, after all this talk of birthdays, that Episode 2 of Together Apart is on birthdays during Corona.

When a high school senior’s senior prom, graduation and end-of-year class trips have all been cancelled, we find a way to still mark her 18th birthday. The episode is called Light at the Middle of the Tunnel. Take a listen.